Saturday, December 27, 2003
Ride of the Warmongerers
Okay here's another un-original post but one that I thought was just too good not to share it. It's another one of IMAO's "In My World", like the one a couple of months ago about Buck the Marine and the Jolly Rancher Bandit. If you like it, make sure to check out the archives at IMAO.
In My World: Ride of the Warmongerers
"What are you guys doing?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan asked as he approached President Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld who were all wearing black leather jackets and wielding weapons of switchblades, bats, and chains.
"We're starting a biker gang called the Warmongerers," Bush answered.
"Is that a good idea?" Scott inquired dubiously.
"All the cool presidents were in biker gangs in their spare time," Bush explained, "Reagan cracked skulls every weekend, Nixon stabbed more people that you can count, Eisenhower was wanted by the law in most states, Teddy Roosevelt used to exercise his big stick while speeding on his hog, and Lincoln used to jump school buses on his Harley."
"Enough talking," Rumsfeld said, "I want to smash something!"
"You coming," Cheney asked Scott.
"I don't know if this is smart," Scott said.
"The guy is a dweeb," Bush remarked, "Let's ditch him."
"I'm not a dweeb!" Scott protested.
"Uh oh; my old lady is coming!" Bush exclaimed, "Everyone act cool."
Laura Bush walked by and looked at the four of them. "This looks suspiciously like a biker gang," she commented.
"No, we're just getting ready for Bible study, ain't we guys?" Bush said. Rumsfeld and Cheney nodded in agreement.
"Mr. McClellan, is this true?" Laura asked Scott.
Bush pointed a switchblade at Scott and gave him a stern look. "Uh... yeah... Bible study," Scott answered.
"Alright," Laura said, not looking quite convinced, "but I better not hear otherwise later."
She walked off, all the while keeping an eye on the four until she was out of sight.
"Thanks for covering for us, Scott," Bush told him, "You can be part of the gang now. We all have cool biker names." He pointed to Rumsfeld. "He's Mad Dog." Then to Cheney. "He's Chainman Charlie... and I'm Tex. Your biker name will be 'Skippy'."
"Skippy?"
Condoleezza Rice then walked by. "Hey, Condi," Bush called out, "Do you want to be a biker slut?"
"Someone has to stay here and keep watch of the country," she answered.
"But it's the weekend!" Bush exclaimed, "International incidents never happen on the weekend."
"Hey, do you want Colin Powell trying to make peace with everyone while we're all gone?" Condi asked.
"Okay, stay," Bush grumbled. He then turned to his gang. "Let's get rolling!"
"Yeah!" Rumsfeld and Cheney shouted, while Scott looked warily at one of the motorcycles.
"I've never driven one of these before," Scott said, "Do you at least have some helmets."
"Of course not," Cheney answered, "If I wreck my hog, I don't want to live!"
"Just get rolling, Skippy," Bush commanded, "Time to show this town who the real badasses are!"
* * * *
"Yee-ha!" Bush shouted as he rode his Harley over the top of the French ambassador's limousine.
"I surrender!" squealed the ambassador.
"Not accepted, Pierre!" Cheney answered, smashing one of the limo's windows with his chain as he rode by.
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted, smashing the windshield with his bat.
"Now hit him with the Molotov cocktail, Skippy!" Bush called out to Scott.
Scott threw a bottle at the limo, which shattered and splashed liquid everywhere to no effect.
"You're supposed to light it, dumbass!" Cheney yelled.
"I'm sorry, but I'm not very experienced with this sort of thing," Scott said.
The limo drove off. "Aww, he got away!" Bush whined. "You have to shape up, Skippy."
"I'm trying," Scott said, "but did I really have to get a green mohawk?"
"Hey, we decided one of us needed to have a mohawk and it was a 3 to 1 vote that it should be you," Bush said.
"I want some drinking!" Cheney yelled.
"And I want some fighting!" Rumsfeld shouted.
"Off to the biker bar!" Bush yelled as he drove off, Rumsfeld and Cheney following with Scott wobbling far behind.
Soon they were to a shady looking bar and parked their motorcycles. "We need to find the toughest guy in their and beat him up," Bush told his gang, "That will show everyone we're boss."
"I don't know if this is all legal," Scott stated uneasily.
"We're above the law!" Rumsfeld shouted.
They entered the bar and Bush walked over to the bartender. "Who is the toughest guy here?"
"That would be Murder'n Carl," the bartender said, pointing over to a massive man who looked quite unstable, "He just got out of jail... for murder!"
"Thinks he's so tough because he's ripped people apart with his bare hands," Bush scoffed, "Go beat the crap out of him, Skippy."
"What?"
"Hey, Murder'n Carl!" Bush yelled, "Skippy says the reason they let you out of prison is because you’re such a pansy!"
"Then Skippy is dead!" Murder'n Carl yelled, grabbing Scott and lifting him into the air.
"Eep." Scott uttered as his life passed before his eyes.
"Hey, look over there, Tex" Cheney told Bush.
At a nearby table sat the Warmongerers' rivals. "Hey, Scott," Bush called out, "Stop getting beaten up by the murderer for a second and get over here."
Dizzy and in pain, Scott stumbled over to Bush. "What?"
"See over there?" Bush said, pointing at the table, "There's our rival gang, the Hell's Democrats."
"That's Governor Howard Dean, Representative Richard Gephardt, Senator Ted Kennedy, and Senator John Kerry," Scott stated, a bit surprised.
"Yeah, but in the biker world they are known respectively as The Dean, Dick the Knife, Big Fat Teddy K, and By the Way I Served in Vietnam."
"Let's kill 'em!" Rumsfeld shouted.
"Be cool, Mad Dog," Bush said, and then slowly walked over to the Hell's Democrats. "So," he chuckled, "If it isn't Deany Weenie, John Fairy, Big Fat Teddy Gay, and Dick... uh..." He thought for a moment. "Gephardt... Gephardt... What sounds like Gephardt?" He looked back to the Hell's Democrats. "....and Dick Dumbfart." Bush turned to his own gang. "Best I could come up with on short notice."
The Hell's Democrats all stood up. "We're going to rule this town!" Kerry shouted, "Just like I ruled when I was in Vietnam!"
"Yeah, you ain't so tough!" Dean said.
Big Fat Teddy K just chewed on a shank of ham.
"You guys think you can beat us," Bush laughed, "but you're just a bunch of jokers. By this time next year, the economy will have improved and we'll have found WMD's in Iraq... and then we'll make you eat them!"
Big Fat Teddy K just laughed.
"Hey, Chainman Charlie," Gephardt said snidely, "I see you ain't in hiding no more."
"Keep it up and the undisclosed location my foot will be in is your ass!" Cheney threatened.
"You guys are all talk, and I know talk, having been in Vietnam," Kerry said.
"You're soon going to be known as the haughty, French-looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam and got ripped a new one by Rumsfeld!" Rumsfeld shouted.
Senator Joe Liberman then showed up. "Hey! There is no need for violence," he said, "I think we can settle this in a bipartisan..."
"Quiet, Jew-boy!" Big Fat Teddy K shouted as he broke a pool cue over Liberman's head.
"I'm gonna cut me a 'publican!" Gephardt yelled, pulling out a knife.
"Now why don't you guys back off before you get hurt," Dean said with a smirk.
"Know what," Bush said, "I think it's time for a preemptive strike... AGAINST YOUR FACE!" Bush then punched Howard Dean. Cheney whipped out his chain and knocked down Dick Gephardt.
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he picked up John Kerry and tossed him across the room.
"Grerawerr!" Big Fat Teddy K snarled as he charged Scott who quickly tried to hide under a table.
"Eep."
* * * *
"I keep telling you," Condi said with frustration over the phone, "I had the nuclear launch codes, but I misplaced them. Now, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes if Finland isn't nuked by the time the President gets back... Yeah, that's right; he explicitly ordered Finland to be nuked while he was away... Hey, I'm not the one who is going to lose his job if Finland exists an hour from now... Yes, and he approved me to get that pizza on his credit card... President Bush is going to be so mad if he heard you denied me that pizza!"
"You in here, Dr. Rice?" Colin Powell called out from the hallway.
"Don't come in the war room!" Condi shouted, quickly trying to hide her map of the world with marks on it such as "Bomb here", "Invade here", and "Genocide here". "I'm not decent!"
* * * *
"You were supposed to have the pardons on you!" Cheney said angrily to Bush.
Rumsfeld just snarled and held onto the prison bars.
"I'm sorry!" Bush exclaimed, "I left them in my other biker jacket!"
"I can't believe it!" Scott cried, "I'm actually in prison!"
"Keep coo' yo," Bush told him, "Keep coo'."
"Okay, you troublemakers," the police chief said, "I'm letting you guys out for one press conference."
"Put a good spin on all this," Bush ordered Scott as they walked out to the prison steps where the press was waiting.
"Is it true that Bush and his administration is involved in a violent biker gang called the 'Warmongerers'?" asked one reporter.
"Now that's just silly," Scott said with a forced laugh.
"The French ambassador has told the police you harassed him," said another reporter.
"I'll murder him dead!" Bush shouted.
Scott raised his hand to silence Bush. "As we all know, the French are a race of liars," Scott told the press, "Only a fool would believe anything they say. Any other questions?"
Melinda Hawkish from Fox News stepped forward. "That green mohawk you have is so gay."
"That's not a question," Scott answered with annoyance.
"Uh oh; my old lady is coming!" Bush shouted, "Everyone hide your microphones and cameras."
"What's happening here?" Laura Bush demanded.
"We're just having a Bible study, dear," Bush answered innocently.
"On the steps of the police station?" Laura asked with suspicion.
"Yes; Police Chief O'Malley was nice enough to let us have our study here."
"Is that true, Chief O'Malley?"
He looked into the air. "Uh... sure, it's true."
"And why does Mr. McClellan have a mohawk?" Laura asked.
"You know Scott," Bush said with laugh, "He's an idiot; doesn't know how to present himself for Bible study."
"It's true; I am an idiot ma'am," Scott stated.
Laura kept looking at them all with suspicion. "From the clueless expression on these people here, they look a lot like reporters," Laura said, "Reporters assembled to hear a story about some lawlessness related to a biker gang."
"It's nothing like that, honey," Bush stated, "We're just studying our Bible stories."
"Which story are you studying, then?" Laura inquired.
"Uh... the one where Jesus... uh... fights the lions and... uh... blows up the Death Star."
"That doesn't sound like a real Bible story!" Laura exclaimed.
"Uh, Mrs. Bush," Scott interjected, "You see, being a bunch of doofuses, we forgot our Bibles and had to try and draw the stories from memory... and... well, we're all really dumb."
"It's true," Bush said and everyone nodded in agreement.
"Alright then," Laura said beginning to walk away as she kept a stern stare at Bush, "I'm heading to the store and am going to pick up your diarrhea medicine."
"Thanks, dear," Bush said with a smile while everyone snickered.
Once Laura was out of view, everyone let out a sigh of relief. "That was a close one," Bush said, and then patted Scott on the back. "Quick thinking there, Skippy. You'll make a great member of our violent biker gang yet." He then remembered the press was still there. "Which does not actually exist and did not smash up the German ambassador's limo."
"It was the French ambassador's limo we didn't smash up," Cheney reminded him.
"Oh yeah," Bush laughed, smacking himself in the forehead.
"Grerawerr!" came a snarl from nearby.
"It's Big Fat Teddy K looking for revenge!" Bush exclaimed, pushing Scott into the charging beast's path.
"Eep."
Friday, December 26, 2003
U.S.A. all the way!!
Hey everybody, I'm back from another one of those super-long breaks again... sorry... I swear I'm going to get back into the swing of things and update this at least every other day... hey I know, I'll make that a New Year's Resolution!! Promise!!
Well the events of the last few weeks aren't really anything I feel need to be reported, because they have been HUGE!! What a great day December 13th was, huh? Just like the old George Strait song, "Ace in the Hole"!!
But of course, those stupid Left-wing Democratic nuts have to try to ruin everything. The more I watch Howard Dean speak, the more convinced I am of what an IDIOT he is!! Also, I checked in at the Democratic Underground, and it's the same old stuff there... the majority of that site's readers follow the mentality of "if it makes Bush look good then it's bad". Why don't they just send Saddam a freakin' fruit basket?! As conservative and far-right as I may be, I think that there are sometimes in life when you need to STOP being a Democrat or Rpublican and START being an AMERICAN!!
In other news, with Saddam's capture and the economy on the rebound, Bush's approval ratings have gone up... yea!! I bet that just kills old Dean... :D
I'll wrap this one up for today, while wishing everybody a very merry Christmas!!
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